March 11, 2008

Here is the modern version of Noah's Ark:

Noah is sitting on his front porch drinking a glass of wine and watching his neighbor’s young daughter’s tits bounce up and down while she washed her father’s camels.
Suddenly the sky turns black and a voice echoes calling his name …
Noah !!!
Noah !!!
Noah answers, “Yes, who is calling me?”
The voice replies, “It is I God.”
Noah says, “Oh yeah, who is this really?”
The voice once again says, “It is I the Lord God.”
Noah says, “Hey stop fooling around, God’s name shouldn’t be taken in vain, now who is this, really?”
The Lord spoke again to Noah “It truly is I, the Lord God almighty.”
Noah says, “That’s it, I got to lay off this Mogan David Blackberry Wine. Whoever you are I going to bed now.”
And God said, "Noah, pay attention or else !!”
And Noah says, “Or else what?”
The sky gets darker and thunder begins, lightning strikes near Noah and it begins to rain, but only on Noah.
Noah looks up and says, “Forgive me Lord for I no not what I am doing.”
The Lord replies and says, “Noah you are forgiven but in six months I am going to make it rain for 4000 days until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things of the earth are destroyed.
Noah says, “Lord, just make it rain for 40 days and 40 nights and wait for the sewers to back up.”
The Lord says, “Noah, that’s a good idea, that’s why you are the chosen one.
But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark."
And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."
Noah asked the Lord, “I see on these specifications to make the Ark 40 cubits by 60 cubits by 80 cubits. Lord what’s a cubit?”
The Lord replied and said, “Let me see I use to know what a cubit was, you get started with gathering the material. Oh now I remember, try these dimensions: 450 feet long, 75 feet wide, and 45 feet tall.”
"Remember Noah in six months it starts to rain" thundered the Lord. "You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!"

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.
And the Lord saith unto Noah, "Where is the ark which I commanded thee to build?"
No answer from Noah.
"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is my ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems and issues.
“What problems and issues?” asked the Lord.
And Noah replied, "Behold oh lord thy God, when I journeyed to the City Planning and Zoning office for a permit, verily they rallied against me and said, "Thy property is not zoned for any ark 45 feet high. Thou wouldst require a 1040 review, an environmental impact study, detailed drawings including colored renderings, approval by your adjoining neighbors, approval by the HOA, and a lengthy series of public hearings for a variance..."
Stop right there said the Lord, “What is an HOA?”
Noah replied, “Well Lord it’s a group of local idiots empowered by the builder and community government as laid out in writing by a group of lawyers in a document known as the CCRs.
“Go on Noah” said the Lord.
"And behold Lord, when I toldst them it would be a temporary usage, they asked where I was going with a three-storied ark? I explainest to them about the flood, the waters from the great deep and the floodgates of the sky. And behold, they wentest berserk and ranted about water rights, minimum stream flow regulations and a 100-year flood plain study. I barely escaped with my life.”
“Anything else Noah?” asked the Lord.
"Yes Lord, another thing I was told that my lot is zoned for a single-family dwelling, and thou has planned ark condos for even my three sons and their wives. That wouldst be a multifamily development not permitted where I live.”
“Is there more Noah?” asked the Lord.
Noah said, “I had to get a temporary building permit for the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their building code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system, fire doors, and a security alarm.
Also, the Coast Guard says the ship does not comply with international navigational requirements and is unfit for sea duty as designed. A Marine Architect says the wood dows on your specifications have to be replaced with galvanized barbed anchors (these have to be specially manufactured), exterior fiberglass compound and marine paint will also be needed. The architect has informed me that I will need a complete line of electronic and radio equipment including radar and sonar, GPS, international flags, and a sailing mask with sails that can withstand gale force winds."
“I venture to say there’s more?” inquired the Lord.
“Oh yes, much more Lord said Noah.”
“Go on then Noah, tell me all that oppose me.” said the Lord.
Noah continued, "Well that reminded me, oh Lord, last week at the Encantobella Homeowners' meeting, where I mentioned the animals. They quickly reminded me of the covenants contained and set out in my CCRs, which I agreed to when I purchased the house. Feeling a little defensive, I gave them your requisition list, among them being... lions, elephants, rhinos, alligators, chickens, monkeys, camels, two by two, and fowls of the air, seven by seven. Behold, Lord, they completely lost their sense of humor and sought to smite me. But I will work on it. Couldst thou please assign a bodyguard to protect my humble dwelling and family while I proceed?"
And the Lord saith, "Noah, faithful servant, doest thy best...I'll take care of you. But I need the ark completed in two fortnights. Do not faileth me or I shall be quite angry!"
Noah answered and said, "It will be so."

But it was not so. And the Lord saith, "Noah, where is the ark?"
And Noah saith, "Lord, behold, the building department hath been giving me fits. Thou didst specify gopher wood beams on one-cubit centers on the second level. Code requires that gopher wood beams be placed on half cubit centers on that level to give adequate bearing strength for the elephants, hippos and rhinos. When I left, they were calling Planning and Zoning, asking about zoning for a zoo or circus. Lord, I thinketh that we are in trouble with
the animals.
"And Lord, The plan checker wenteth into a fit and gnashed his teeth when he saw that the plans called for only one door on the whole building. He declareth that a structure of this size requireth two exits on each level. Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so we have no owls for the Ark."
And the Lord saith, "Noah, my schedule called for the ark to be completed before Christmas. Worketh thou very very hard!"
And Noah answered, "Christmas? What's Christmas?"
"In by Christmas time! It's just an expression used in the building trade. It doesn't mean a thing" said the Lord.
And Noah answered, "Verily, I will do my best to get it done."

But behold, it was not done. And the Lord saith, "Noah, the ark is still not ready."
And Noah answered, "Verily, I have had three carpenters off ill and last Monday was a holiday. I have been picketed by union local 142 for not hiring union labor. My subcontractor is in Chapter 11 bankruptcy and my suppliers won't deliver any more goods without me paying cash, my credit limit is all maxed out. And the fowls of the air thou ordered by sevens are now sold only in half-dozen lots."
Noah wrung his hands and wept saying, "Oh Lord, I am undone, I have failed thee."
“Noah I will give you another year to complete my Ark, you have been a good citizen and a faithful follower”, said the Lord.
Noah said, “Oh Lord you are really a forgiving God. Thank you, I will be completed on time with this extension.”

God appears after a year. The sky gets dark and huge clouds begin to appear …
“Noah, where is my Ark with the animals?” asks God.
Well God, more problems than I anticipated have arisen!” said Noah.
“I see, what is it this time Noah?” asks God.
Noah replies, “After we spoke last time, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind. Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an amended environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.
Then, the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!
Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire.
I have been cited by the INS for hiring illegal Mexicans to gather the animals and face both a fine and imprisonment.
The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax.
Further, I have 3,000 parking violations for this Ark that exceeds parking limits on a public street.
The Division of Motor Vehicle says I will need an extra wide permit if I intend to move it.
The electric utility has turned off my electricity because they say the Ark causes irregular uncontrolled static electrical arcs and endangers their circuits.
I am embroiled in a legal suit because my wife sold her book rights, entitled 'The Lord Said Build It and They Will Come' to both Time-Warner and Sony for a movie.
Some punk rock-n-roll band has taken the name the 'Ark' and is suing me for copyright infringement.
Someone stole a copy of your plans and specifications and filed them with the U.S. Patent Office, and now I am being sued for Patent Rights Violations.
The U.S. Forest service says the Ark which they refer to as 'It' is using illegally cut logs and I have not complied with the timber logging rules on U.S. Forest Lands. Apparently I had to get the logs cut into boards at an approved lumber mill even though my logging permit from the Department of the Interior says
other wise.
My oldest son’s wife is pregnant again.
My faithful dog died.
I am being cited by County Health for unsanitary living conditions.
A group of beavers stole two tons of my wood for some damn.
The news media is parked in front of my house night and day and I can’t get any peace and quiet.
That bodyguard you sent me was arrested for carrying a concealed weapon and terroristic threatening and is serving six months in jail.
They want to make some kind of Real TV Series about me called ‘Oh God Part 3 with Charlton Heston playing you and Harrison Ford playing me.
The local bodega hoodlums from the hood spray-painted graffiti all over the side of the Ark.
I can’t prove it but I think the FBI is taping my phones, they think this is some kind of Muslim terrorist conspiracy.
The KKK burnt a cross on my front yard last night because they said I was a Jew inspiring Muslims to commit terrorist activities.
The Reverend Al Sharpton asked me to be his vice presidential running mate in 2004.
The Reverend Jesse Jackson called me anti Christian and his Rainbow Coalition have a national vendetta to see me and the Ark put down and out.
The PTL Club wants to feature the ‘End of the World’ on TV.
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld called last night to ask me if he could use the Ark as a weapon of mass destruction to get rid of the ‘Evil Doers of Iran’ and initiate a regime change there.
The democrats are accusing the republicans of manipulating you ‘God.’
Exxon Oil called and offered the captain of the Valdez as the skipper for the Ark at no charge.
The Cubans have offered 200,000 refugees to occupy the Ark, and the Cuban Americans of Miami are mad at me for refusing.
The Air Force uses the Ark as a laser testing dummy target run for their F-18’s.
Several Japanese and Korean companies are in a bidding war to buy the Ark.
T-Rowe Price and Merrill Lynch want to sell shares and take the Ark public.
The snakes I brought onto the Ark keep eating the mice and rats.
The Jewish Defense League (JDL) has accused me of being anti semantic.
Hillary Clinton has started a Senate investigation into Ark corruption.
Bill Clinton wants to know if he can get tickets for him and his new under aged Harlem black girlfriend.
I am being picketed tomorrow by various Gay Rights Groups and the National Organization of Women (NOW) for not giving queers and women equal say into who goes on the Ark and who doesn’t.
P.E.T.A. (people for the ethical treatment of animals) has unleashed the animal police on me for inhumane treatment and cruelty to animals along with capturing and harboring endangered wild life species.
Green Peace International says it will launch all of its vessels in an effort to thwart my efforts to put the Ark to sea.
The liberal left say this is just a ploy by the right, and the ultra conservative right believe it’s just another way for the liberal left to desecrate the Flag and get God out of everything in our lives.
Some abortion doctor wants to know if he can sublet part of the Ark.
The Governor called and wants to rename the Ark after some dead Indian. The Indian Tribes oppose that based on religious convictions.
The Hispanic community says the Ark should have 'Saint Hood' and have requested an expedited hearing with the Pope at the Vatican.
The Asian community wants to hold a raffle for sailing dates, open a Chinese restaurant and a gambling casino aboard the Ark.
The Black community can't find any real reason to oppose the Ark but think it is politically incorrect to speak of it in public.
Alaskan fishermen want to lease the Ark for fishing rights but the Japanese and Russians oppose this and have petitioned the WTO for a hearing.
Microsoft wants to call its new Windows 2004 software 'The ARK' but AOL-Netscape and 41 states have threatened to sue if they do.
Ford wants it’s new all-purpose family van to be called the 'Ark'.
On a separate issue, Green Peace is suing me but can't give me a reason.
Some shit hole third world country prime minister from Malaysia called and wants to duplicate the 'Ark' as part of his Super Corridor Project, whatever the hell that is.
Saudi Arabia has accused me of being Anti Muslim and using the 'Ark' as a method to destable Middle East peace efforts like someone needs a fucking reason or excuse for that.
A group of uncommitted religious nuts have petitioned the United Nations for 'Charter Status' and want the Ark granted full membership rights as a sovereign nation, France and Germany oppose this with China and Russia abstaining.
The British Parliament has summoned Tony Blair into an emergency meeting to discuss Britain’s role in supporting the United States for the ‘End of the World’ is necessary.
A group of UFO nuts have a Website and newsletter telling everyone that will listen, the ‘Ark’, is really a UFO, and I am an alien in humanoid form.
There have been at least two reported sightings of Elvis walking the deck of the Ark at night. I had over 6,000 Elvis devoted followers show up in buses and camped out for two weeks just waiting to get a look at the great one.
The ATF has been here at least 2 dozen times claiming this is a religious compound, I am holding my wife, children, and their wives and children against their will. They have dug up my backyard on numerous occasions looking for illegal firearms and explosive making materials.
The Chinese government claims that the real Ark was built by Chinese engineers and craftsman over 4,000 years ago, and have launched a secret archeological dig somewhere in the Gobi Desert to substantiate their claim.
The police raided the Ark last week early in the morning about 3:00am to find a group of college frat assholes holding a Rave Party with under aged nude high school cheerleaders stoned out of their minds on ecstasy.
My whacko next door neighbor, who is a stinking worthless renter and we will refer to as SD, claims to have seen several ghosts and heard strange noises and white lights coming from the bowls of the Ark. This has led to some scientific team connected to the Sci-fi TV Channel to investigate. These spaced out shits think the Ark is some kind of medium or doorway from the present to the afterworld (hereafter). They have national TV coverage claiming they can talk to the dead through the Ark.
To complicate things, several nut case TV Psychics claim they can communicate with anyone from the dead and now either have their own TV shows or are appearing on TV and radio talk shows.
The FBI is investigating a 900 ‘Ark Hotline’ phone number from a group of phone psychics they claim are con artist.
The Association of Jewish American Princes (A-japs) thinks the Ark is great because Jewish girls won’t have to give their significant male counterparts blowjobs in the new future of mankind.
Some group claiming to represent the nation’s Liquor Distilleries are calling foul play against the Ark. They contend that since only wine will be allowed on the Ark that ‘God’ discriminates against beer and distilled spirits. They are threatening to sue me as your legal and binding representative unless I agree to allow all forms of alcoholic beverages aboard the Ark.
Since collection of animals is my primary goal, the local university found out I was also taking aboard lemon and orange trees. They have petitioned the governor to make sure I include lime trees as well.
Simon Cowell has called numerous times about using the deck of the Ark for the 2004 Fox American Idol Contest.
The Russian Space Agency wants to hold a celebration on the deck of the Ark for the new international space station. NASA of course opposes this.
The World Health Organization has posted an international warning condemning the Ark saying that holding so many types of animals in such a confined space can only lead to new strains of viruses that could create a worldwide plague.
The CDC is reviewing their findings and has asked the U.S. Department of Justice to get a court order restraining me from any further ‘Ark’ activities.
The CIA is reporting that a radical Indonesian Islamic cleric named Abu Bakar Ba'asyir has stated his followers in Asia would conduct repeated terrorist attacks against western interest in the region until the Zionist Ark is destroyed.
A Right Wing White Supremist Group kidnapped the Encantobella HOA Board of Directors, striped them naked, stuffed their own underwear n their mouth, and had an Old Fashioned ‘Tar and Feather’ Party. They were found tied upside down on the community pool fence covered in tar and goose pillow feathers. I am, of course, being accused as a co-conspirator and accessory before the fact.
The Maricopa County Sheriff, the City of Phoenix, and the City of Scottsdale are fighting over jurisdictional rights to the Ark for tax purposes and pending criminal investigations.
A woman in California was awarded Ten Million Dollars by a jury because she claimed the Ark caused her undue emotional tremor spouting the ‘End of the World is Coming.’ I don’t even live in California now I owe this simple bitch $10,000,000.00.
The Mormon Church has threatened to sue me if I don’t allow the Tabernacle Choir to perform on the deck of the Ark.
The Pope has requested a group of Vatican scholars to investigate the authenticity of my communiqué with God.
Some religious fools are confusing this 'Ark' with the ‘Ark of the Covenant’ where Moses put the tablets bearing the Ten Commandants. This is definitely one for you to straighten out.
And, lets not forget the Southern Baptist want the Ark moved to Texas for their next convention.
Really Lord, with all the delays, nut cases interfering, lawsuits, counter lawsuits, liens, claims, counter claims, judgments, investigations, lawyers, legal actions out the whazoo, I just don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years from right now.”
With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world after all?" he asked hopefully.
“No Noah I am!! You have proven how worthless Mankind is, if for no other reason, HOAs are sufficient reason in themselves to smite everyone and show them my wrath.” said the Lord.
“What then Lord, what shall we do?” asks Noah.
No answer from the Lord …
Noah says, "I think you are to late, the government already has destroyed the world we love."
And the Lord replieth with compassion, "Take heart, Noah. Now thou understandeth why I have called for a great flood to descend upon the earth. I will grant they your request for another extension. Now get busy and finish my Ark!!"
Reluctantly Noah replies, “Yes Oh Lord I shall comply with your command.”

The five long years are now up, and the Lord summons Noah again ....
"Noah" the voice from the sky calls out.
"Noah, it is I the Lord almighty come to launch my Ark, are thee ready to set sail, are thow finished?
Noah looks up in shame and says, "No Lord I failed you again, the Ark is not ready and I don’t know when it will be. I have been plagued with delays."
"Ok, Noah what is it this time?" inquires the Lord.
Noah says, "May I explain what has occurred and the new problems that have arrived?"
"Go ahead Noah" says the Lord.
"Well the Department of Agriculture and the CDC took my two cows, they said they had 'Mad Cow' disease.
I started getting so much mail that the Postal Service gave the Ark its own zip code.
Then the email started, and I am up to 1,000 emails a day about the Ark, most of it SPAM (junk mail).
I am getting telegrams and letters that range from donations to help me finish the Ark to death threats.
I had to file Chapter 13 bankruptcy myself and the courts have taken the donations to pay off my creditors.
Jerry Lewis wants me on his 'Telethon' and won't take no for an answer.
I have been going on all the talk shows to help raise money to finish your Ark and put food on the table for my family.
MADD (mothers against drunk driving) has been picketing me for not allowing them to use the Ark in their TV ads.
The son of one of my neighbor’s in Encantobella subdivision a few streets over snuck in to my backyard and stole a sample of my compose pile. It seems that because a wide variety of animal excrement are contained in the discarded straw that some new bacteria with amazing human curing properties exist. Merck Pharmaceutical has offered me Five Million Dollars for the rights. The bankruptcy judge said no, it’s worth more, so he is having a consulting firm draw up a bid proposal and all the major drug companies will get a chance to bid on it. This should take about two years.
The Mafia has joined forces with the Teamsters and Dock Workers Unions. They have put out a contract to have me killed after I had a dockworker arrested for dumping one of my cargo containers of supplies in the California harbor.
If you remember I had to get a special manufacturer to make my galvanized barbed anchors. The first one went under, the second one couldn't perform to specification, and the third one is running 6 months behind on my order.
Jerry Springer has had my neighbor on his TV Show to tell how I broke one of your 10 Commandments in 'Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Wife.’ But in all fairness Lord I was really depressed, my wife doesn't give me sex anymore, and frankly she was very very good.
After the show aired, Oral Roberts showed up to extend a helping hand, Wow now I know why they call him 'Oral' Roberts.
Oprah wants to do a holiday special just about me and the ‘Ark.’
Dr, Phil, a real con artist, endorsed by Oprah, wants to write a book about the Ark and its ability to make people lose weight.
After all that, so I could have some sex, I had to buy a pair of cowboy boots, go down into the depths of the Ark, place the sheep’s hind back legs into the side of the boots and have my way with them. The police found out about my transgressions and arrested me where I was sentenced to six months in jail. While serving my jail sentence I was forced to be my roommates 'Bitch' every night !! As a result of my arrest, the Greek Orthodox Church is giving a world wide sermon entitled “Doing It The Greek Style.’ The Boston Diocese of the Catholic Church has joined in and claims now that Priest having sex with young boys is natural.
Some French Frog Licking scholar who says he is an expert in the Quatrains of Nostradamus claims that the entire ‘Ark’ thing proves the coming of the third anti Christ.
NASA claims the Ark is a fake and they have satellite images that prove the real Ark is on top of some mountain called Ararat in Turkey.
The Israeli Government says the ‘Jews’ are the chosen people and believe the Ark should be moved to the holy city of Jerusalem. In fact, they have, without my permission or knowledge, made me an Israeli citizen and have issued me a diplomatic passport. They are demanding from President Bush that he give me up and send me home to Israel.
India says it will nuke Pakistan if an Indian citizen is not included on the final voyage of the Ark.
The Reverend Louis Farakan sent 10 bus loads of his shit bird idiot followers down to the Ark, where they all pulled out their penises and pissed all over the structure. I had them all arrested, but the ACLU says they have a right to urinate anywhere they please. This is also in the hands of the courts.
Playboy sent it’s entire 2003 calendar models down to have their pictures taken on the Ark. Not to be out done, Playgirl sent down 200 nude male models for photographs with the Ark.
The Dallas Cowboys and the USO want to use the deck of the Ark for a live presentation to U.S. and coalition forces around the world.
The Department of Defense wants to use the Ark as a recruiting tool for U.S. soldiers.
General Electric (GE) Finance has offered to bail out the Ark from debt if their entire board of directors and families can be part of the final voyage and witness the destruction of the earth by flood.
North Korea, another axis of evil, announced today they have a new long range missile with a nuclear warhead aimed at the Ark.
My new dog, a mutt named Mohammed, got the neighbor's pure bread poodle dog pregnant, which I am being sued for that.
The 'Devil' came to see me and asked if I wanted to convert to Islam and be a terrorist where I could run some shit hole country called Afghanistan, but I said 'NO' and remained stead fast and true to you Lord.
Buddha appeared to me and asked me if I wanted to leave all this and live in a Shaolin Monastery and learn something called Kung-fu. Again, I said 'No.'
The city cited me for my 200 foot compose pile, you know from the dirty straw that I have to clean out from the animals.
The garbage trucks don't even stop at my house anymore, so I have been cited by the county for unsafe and unsanitary living conditions.
The Encantobella HOA has a property lean on my house for not paying the fine assessments and are suing me to foreclose on my home and evict me. The person behind this action, which we will call JK, works for City Property Management Company, the agent for the HOA.
The doctor says I am a total nervous wreck and I am popping Valium like little M&M candy by the hour. In fact, the pharmacist has ordered it in gross just for me.
My second son's wife is pregnant by my third son. My wife also caught her having sex with the dog and is undergoing therapy. So I had to shoot my dog.
The girl wants an abortion but my wife wants her to carry full term and put it up for adoption. As a result, I am being picketed by some Animal Rights Group for shooting the dog, the Right to Lifers activist for supporting my wife's position to carry the fetus full term, and the Pro Choice abortion nuts for wanting the girl to have the right to choose. The court case is still on going for that one, the news media has another excuse for a feeding frenzy, and it looks like it may go all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court.
I was cited for flying the American Flag on top of the Ark. The FAA says it
interferes with the flight pattern to the airport, that damn Encantobella HOA led
by City Property Management says flags are not permitted, the governor is a woman and has her head so far up her ass she doesn’t know which way is up, Senator John McCain says that flying the ‘Flag’ is not an issue for the federal government but one for the individual states. As a result a group is picking in front of the Ark calling themselves ‘The Committee to Recall John McCain.’
A group of Rednecks showed up and asked if they could have a BBQ and Beer party in the Ark.
The newly formed Department of Homeland Security under some idiot named Tom Ridge thinks this ‘Ark’ would make a fine terrorist target for Al Quida and says’ “HLS received Internet chatter that Osama bin Laden is going to crash an airplane into the Ark.”
Jay Leno and David Lettermen are in a bidding war to see who gets me as their late night TV guest.
Finally, some guy named ‘Jack’ a.k.a. The Encanto Man has put the whole story up on his humor website. He is also running for President of the United States in 2004 under the ‘Humor Platform.’
Frankly Lord, if you still want this Ark finished I will need another ten year extension."
The Lord becoming very annoyed at Noah says, "I will grant thee your request for one final extension. After this there shall be no more extensions and my wrath shall reign upon the earth, now finish my Ark!!"
Noah asks, “Lord, will I be punished for my deviant sexual behavior and violation of your 10 Commandments?”
The Lord thy God replies and says, “No Noah you will not. That whole thing about the Commandments is true but I only gave Moses nine, he added the one about ‘Your neighbor’s wife.’
“Ohhhhh thank you God for understanding” says Noah.

Once again, time is up and the Lord summons Noah again …
“Noah” the Lord calls out from the heavens above.
Noah responds, “Yes Lord what is it now?”
“Noah, have you finished my Ark and are all the animals on board?” inquires the Lord in a quite gruff voice.
“Well Lord, yes and no. The Ark is finished and most of the animals some 70,000 of them are on board that would comply with your request. Some just wouldn’t come.” says Noah.
So be it Noah” says the Lord they will parish with mankind.
Noah says, “Lord I have tried to be your faithful servant but frankly I have had enough. You didn’t tell me what a mess those elephants would make down in the bows of that Ark. Who is going to clean that mess up? And, those damn rabbits, I keep telling them only two, only two.
My sons are fed up. The oldest one wants to give up carpentry and work on Wallstreet. The second son hates to be a farmer and is screwing the under aged girl next door, I think she is pregnant. My youngest son wants to go off to college and my wife is threatening to divorce me unless I get rid of this damn Ark.”
“Is that all Noah, are you done?” the Lord inquires.
“No Lord, there is more, may I continue please?” implores Noah.
“Go on Noah get it out of your system, vent it out, let the anger come forward and be gone” says the Lord.
“Lord, I have tried oh how I have tried to comply with your commands. No one is talking to me, my neighbors all hate me, they have petitioned the court for a sanity hearing to have me locked up in a looney bin. Frankly Lord, I want my life back. I am going to set the animals free, burn down this Ark, apologize to my wife, children and neighbors, pay my fines, and get on with my life. I want closure. What do you think about that Lord?” says Noah.
Suddenly the sky is black without light, gale force winds come out of nowhere and torrential rains begin to flood the streets.
Noah looks up and sees the Ark rocking.
He calls for his family to get on board quickly.
More rain followed by thunder and lightning of that man has never seen before erupts.
Noah, Looks up and says, “Lord this is just not a passing shower is it?”
The Lord replies, “No Noah, the world shall parish with my might and the animals will be saved and man will be destroyed.”
Woo says Noah, “It’s just you and me, it’s always been us against them, right Lord, please say it’s right.” implores Noah !!
The Lord appears in the darken sky and smiles then says to Noah in a deep echoing voice …

And that's the story of Noah's Ark!

1 comment:

The Building Inspector said...

You were right, it's a long read but really worth reading.

I inspect houses and property for the city and if Noah tried to build an ARK with all the government restrictions and codes it would take years.